Many of us have intimate relationships but struggle to have the optimum relationship where we feel at our best with our partner. Often times we’re exuding unhealthy behavior patterns and don’t even know it. For example: there’s an “issue” that repeats itself and causes conflict, or we’re not communicating well with each other, etc. Regardless of your particular challenge, here are a few tips that should help you create a healthier love relationship.

Listen Between the Lines

Some of us aren’t the best communicators. It is said, that men specifically are not. Is this true? According  to Gendered Lives: Communication, Gender, and Culture, men communicate when the goals of talking are to exert control, preserve independence or enhance status. This is not helpful when it comes to love relationships, however. Therefore, to avoid frustration and ease communication with your partner, it is important to listen to what they’re saying between the lines. By that I mean, if he/she gets very upset because the cable isn’t working properly, it could just be they’re feeling neglected in some way. Listen with your heart, not with your head. Sometimes what we’re complaining about is not really what’s bothering us.

Autonomy

The first thing couples tend to do when they’re in a relationship is spend lots of time together. There’s nothing wrong with this at all – it’s called nesting. However, at times one individual needs more space than the other. Typically, in heterosexual relationships, it is the man that needs more space (not always, of course). Let him/her have their space. Let them go out with their friends and let them have their alone time and games – no matter how silly you may think they are to you. Everyone needs to feel autonomous. You can act as a team when you’re a couple, but you’re still individuals within the relationship and should still take individual time to do your own thing.

Couple time

It is 2011 and almost everyone has a cell phone. Do not check your Blackberry incessantly while on a date. As a matter of fact, unless you have children or about to meet someone else right after your meal, your mobile device should not be anywhere near the dinner table. Communication with your partner is the most important part of the relationship. Going on a date is a time for bonding with your mate – not your phone.

Don’t argue in public

We all can irritate each other. No one person has perfect moments. However, we want to avoid bickering in public with our partners. It’s embarrassing to them and the person arguing with them, whether they know it or not. Furthermore, the one who is being reprimanded in public will eventually breed resentment towards the other. Some say, there’s an exception to this rule – if the arguing couple is doing so in front of friends. On the contrary, this is actually worse because now your friends are embarrassed to go out with you, but don’t want to say anything because you’re all friends. The solution: If your partner is making you crazy and you’re out in public, hold your tongue until you get home.

Avoid fighting dirty

One last thing on arguing, don’t fight dirty. This can leave lasting wounds and unforgivable moments. Fighting dirty means saying extremely negative things about or to your partner during a fight simply because your angry, but you don’t actually mean it. This usually comes about because of extreme frustration. For example, “You’re the most selfish person I’ve ever met, I don’t even know why I’m with you.” Even though, you didn’t mean what you said, you’ve still said it and it’s been heard. That person may never be able to forget your harsh words; and furthermore, it will color future interactions they have with you. Consistent behavior of this nature breeds resentment, insecurity and can lead to a break-up. Stick to the topic of what you’re in disagreement about, and work on fixing that to bring about harmony. Don’t get lost in emotion and speak from your frustrated place.

Sweet surprises

Surprise your partner with something he/she loves every once in a while. It is a very nurturing thing to do. If you ever had a parent put a note of love in your lunch box or surprise you with your favorite treat, you will understand this gesture. These sweet surprises are usually best when it’s something just the two of you understand and can be small or seemingly insignificant to any other person. A sweet sentiment placed on a post-it note in their wallet or briefcase is a good example.

Be patient

None of us is perfect. And when we get into a relationship, we have many expectations and visions of the way we imagine things should go. Be patient with yourself and with your partner as you learn about each other. Even if you’ve been with someone for 10 years, you’re still learning about him or her. They may have a quality that you don’t particularly like, but guaranteed you have a quality they don’t like that much either. However, when you love someone, you may not like everything about them, but love the whole package because that makes up the whole individual and ultimately, the person you’ve chosen as your partner.

Daydree is a Reiki Master/Teacher who lives and works in Los Angeles. She is a registered member of International Association of Reiki Professionals (IARP). Click here for info and appts- MyOshun.com

Filed under: RELATIONSHIPS by myoshun