Hope you all had a beautiful Mother’s Day! Now Father’s Day is coming up – June 20th. Many more people have mothers so Father’s Day can often get lost in the calendar. Whatever your personal situation, fathers or the memory of our fathers plays a vital part in our lives. Why? The opposite sex parent relationship when we’re a child often informs how we’ll relate to our future mates. (This may or may not follow as truth for homosexual females because women relate to other women differently than men.) For a female, the first man we fall in love with when we’re little girls is our Dad. Yes. This is a big point to make because it colors everything! Every time the phone doesn’t ring with the man we’re interested in, issues with receiving affection from our mate come up, and fundamentally the reasons why we don’t have a mate – all can be related to the relationship with the first man we ever loved – our father. And yes, even if you didn’t like your father that much, chances are you loved him as a child.

I happen to have a great Dad. However, most of my first relationships with men were not that great. This was because no one could live up to my Dad, so I gave up on trying, which means I was “okay” with having a man in my life that was second, third or sometimes fourth best. Also, I wanted some obvious form of approval from these young men because that’s what I received as a child when I did really well. For example, an A+ on my report card often yielded a delicious Italian sandwich from the best deli in Brooklyn or a great burger from Jackson’s Hole restaurant (no longer exists unfortunately) or some rockin’ Caribbean bread. Just thinking about it takes me back to loads of smiles, laughter and a full belly. So later as a young adult in my 20′s, I sought approval in the same way from these guys. Finally I got it together. I stopped settling and got rid of a long-time but non-committal boyfriend. My friend, James calls these types of guys “the fire extinguishers” – break here for emergency. They’re not really interested in being serious about you. They’re there, however, and you can call them in a pinch for something random…like…you know what. However, they’re completely unavailable if you need a good friend, ride to the airport, or your drawers moved – chest of drawers that is. Anyway, I fired the fire extinguisher. This occurred when I finally remembered the woman my father raised me to be – who I truly am. That’s when HE showed up. The right man for me.

Many of us waste months or years (like I did) trying to figure out why we can’t obtain what we desire in our men or why we can’t meet a man. Look at the relationship with your father. How do (did) you relate to him? Was he there at all? Are you looking for your lover to be your Dad? If you had or have a great father and can’t seem to settle on the right mate, then ask yourself: Why aren’t you loving and respecting yourself enough to wait for a mate who loves and respects you like your father – the first man who ever loved you?

Obviously, the reason why we don’t have what we desire with men is not ONLY about our opposite sex parent issues but it’s a great place to start and an area that is often overlooked. So check it out…It may be enlightening and lead you down a path to healing and getting exactly what you’ve always desired – a healthy, adult, loving and respectful relationship.

Filed under: RELATIONSHIPS by myoshun